Saturday, September 8, 2012

This post isn't pretty.

I am nervous about publishing this post.  I have been using this blog as a journal for my healing process.  Well, my son died and the process isn't always pretty.  This post is honest.  It's one of the ugly sides of grief.  I have no insight or inspiring faith-related comment to include this time.  This is me journaling as if no one would read it, so please try not to judge me.

This summer I know more than 15 women who have delivered babies.  If you are reading this, there is a fair chance you are among them.  I was supposed to be too.  How I wish I had been.  I was supposed to be waddling around life massively pregnant this summer.  But instead my world came crashing down around me when my son died.

If I could have pushed a pause button on the world's pregnancies and deliveries you bet your ass I would have.  Every time I saw or heard of a pregnant woman it punched me in the gut.  Knocked the wind out of me, sometimes literally.  I remember the first time I saw a pregnant woman after Ethan died.  It was the very next day, she was walking down the sidewalk as I drove to the funeral home to make arrangements for my baby to be cremated.  Talk about salt in the wound.  Was it not enough for my last chance at pregnancy to have ended horrifically?  For my son to have died?  But now I have to walk in this world where other people's blessings remind me so vividly of what I want for myself?  Of what I "should have had" for myself?  For 3 full months after Ethan died I should have still been pregnant.  It was a long ass summer.  The lost summer of 2012.

At this point I need to genuinely declare, that I am happy for everyone who is pregnant or has a baby.  That has always been the case, especially for all of you who are part of this Summer of Babies.  I pray you all believe me when I write that I have always wanted the best for you and your families.  Every night I pray for you and your babies to be happy and healthy.  That's the truth, I do.  It's just that seeing the bliss of being pregnant or with a newborn reminds me of what I am missing for myself.  Simultaneously I am rejoicing with you all, for your blessings, while doubling over in pain for myself.  I am jealous...that is one of the most uncomfortable parts of grieving for me.  I don't consider myself to be a jealous person, but if I am being honest, I am jealous that I can't have my baby too.  Again, not one bit of me is wishing ill on others with babies or pregnancies.  I am sorry if reading this honest, ugly part of my grief is uncomfortable for you.  I assure you it is even more so for me.

You see, Ethan was supposed to be your babies' friend.  He was supposed to be a classmate in this Summer of Babies.  In short, it's just not how I had anticipated this summer going, and the adjustment has been (and at times continues to be) immensely painful.  Instead of washing my bottles and bassinet bedding I was giving them away or throwing them out.  When I should have been reading books to my 3 older children of their baby brother/sister joining the family, I was reading We were going to have a baby, but we had an angel instead.  How the hell did this happen to my family?

I can honestly say that this is all getting "better" for me over the last few weeks.  With my due date passing, having such a beautiful experience in spreading Ethan's ashes, and most of my friends having their babies I am feeling far less jealous.  I was even able to walk into Babies 'R Us the other day and smile at some of the things I saw.  Do I wish I had cause for buying something there myself right now?  Absolutely, but I didn't run out of the store as I did in June.

If you made it through this entire post, I pray you don't think I am a bad person.  I promise you I am not. I am just a person in pain.  But the healing has begun, thank the good Lord.  Hopefully I have not scared you off from me or my "journal" with this one.  Thanks for hanging in there with me.


  1. Not scared off at all, just proud of you and your honesty! What you have described is perfectly normal, but few would be willing to admit these feelings. Hopefully others out there reading this in similar (and maybe not quite as similar) situations may come to realize they are not the only ones who have felt this way, that they are not a "bad" person, but a "person in pain". So true!

  2. I completely agree with Gail. Thank you for saying it out loud...I was too nervous to when a similar situation happened to me. Your strength and honestly is inspiring!

  3. Such honesty is rare and I love you for being brave and strong and loving. Your friends all know your heart!

  4. Oh my goodness can u apologize for feeling that way?! Please never be sorry for how u feel! Frankly I would be concerned if you didn't have feelings of anger and jealousy and just overall WTF! And as time goes on , years down the road and you will have big events in life where that feeling will come back with a vengeance - that feeling that he is Supposed to be here. How come they get to have that but I don't. And you just have to know that there is nothing at all wrong with anything you feel. Feelings can not be 'right' or 'wrong'.
    *also as a PS I hope you feel close enough to me to tell me if I do or say or act in a way that upsets you.*
    Love u

  5. Annie- You have absolutely nothing to apologize for! I have to be honest and write I felt badly posting pictures of Cole right away because I thought of you and Josh. I didn't want you to feel like I was disregarding or disrespecting you or your family; but I knew your wish for all of us in this "pregnancy class" wouldn't be to hold back.With each new baby picture or announcement I always think of you. I can not imagine the sheer strength you must really have. It has been your strength that has helped me get through all of Cole's doctors appointements, and fight to figure out what is going on with him.

    Funny how people can have such an influence on our lives without them ever truly knowing what they are doing. Ethan is blessed to have you as his mother (as are all your children). I think this blog is great. For you and for those who read. You never know where you will find strength.....I found a lot from you. Thank you for that!

  6. This is your space, and your place to share your thoughts. Your honesty is so admirable and poignant. No one can resent you for your words, because they are part of you. And if they do, screw 'em. It's your journal. They don't have to be here.

  7. You put all of my thoughts and feelings after my miscarriage into words, only unlike you, I kept my thoughts to myself. I felt all of your stated feelings - the anger and unfairness were the hardest for me to manage. I admire your ability and willingness to share your journey, even those parts you don't consider pretty. They are part of the whole and anyone who has ever experienced anything bad can relate. Like others above, I don't think you have anything to apologize for. Love you! Kimberly