Sunday, May 18, 2014

2 years

2 years ago I laid on my left side looking out at the Boston sky. 8 stories up the occasional butterfly visited my window. Those butterflies were among my visitors during those 10 days on my left side. A state away from my husband and 3 other children.

2 years ago tonight we laid in bed together for the last time. Thanking Jesus and my Lord for every moment with you. For every passing temperature check, blood pressure, heart beat check that passed as healthy on 4 hour intervals (that's day and night mind you). 2 years ago tomorrow morning I awoke feeling sick. It was almost shift change, my overnight nurse was pregnant - I remember that part clearly. I asked her if it was of concern that I felt nauseous? She said no. But I knew otherwise. 7 meant shift change and I waited 20 minutes for the nurses starting their day to round quickly. Then I pressed the button for my nurse. I happened to have 2 nurses assigned to me that day, both with more experience than I thought possible. These were the women, Kathy and Marty, who had educated me 10 days ago that I would be the first one to know if an infection was setting in. The NST and temperatures would say everything was fine at first, though I would say otherwise. 2 years ago tomorrow they were right. As an infection quickly spread throughout my body, infecting you and causing a dangerous case of sepsis for me. 2 years ago tomorrow I was hearing my doctor tell me "everything is alright BUT..." they couldn't stop the bleeding in the middle of my c-section. Me telling Josh it would be OK. Tomorrow I will celebrate your life, and also how lucky I am to have survived that day myself.

I didn't realize that over the next 4 days I would learn where those butterflies came from. I would have an answer to my wondering. Wondering why these butterflies were frequenting such a high window. 2 years ago tomorrow I became a NICU mom. And would learn that there is a butterfly garden in the NICU parents' patio - 7 floors up. The garden is in memory of babies who passed away in that NICU. 2 years ago this week your soul would join those in flight, fluttering 8 and 9 stories up.

2 years ago tomorrow I quietly sang happy birthday to you, surrounded by 10-12 people I had never met. Tomorrow I will sing you happy birthday Ethan. Caroline, Jackson and Ryan will spill sprinkles on the table and floor as they decorate your cupcakes. They will blow out your candle for you. As I tucked Jackson into bed tonight he said he wished you could eat your cupcake tomorrow. I wish that too.

You have taught me more in these 2 years than I could have imagined. Our relationship has grown strong. I am proud of you Ethan. Proud and lucky to be your mom. Happy 2nd Birthday...