Perhaps this is what people mean when they say things won't get "better" but they will become "different" over time. "Better" doesn't really seem appropriate any more, it's not like my son's death can improve. So I aim for "different" in a more manageable, less raw, functioning sort of way. To those of you who read this and know what it is like to have your baby die, is this what you speak of? This pain, this longing for my son to be here is ever present. It will never leave. Nor do I want it to, if I am being honest. Perhaps healing is the process of integrating this permanent longing into my being, into my day-to-day life, while I find a way to experience the joy the rest of my life has to offer.
That's a tall order, even on a day filled with the low tide grief. But maybe, just maybe, this process is beginning.