Monday, September 10, 2012

I think I saw you today

Jackson, Ryan and I were playing outside this morning and I think you joined us.  I was sitting on a the grass missing you, thinking about how nice it would be to have all three of my boys playing together, and there you went, right by me.  You were a beautiful monarch butterfly this morning.  Jackson saw you and shouted "Hi Ethan!"  A few minutes later Jackson said you had gone by as a white butterfly.  About an hour later we were at the playground and you went by again, as another monarch butterfly.  I really do think that was you.  I LOVE that Jackson thinks of you and speaks to you.  You remain brothers even though you never met each other.

Today I received a wonderful necklace of the letter "e" from my friend Potts.  She knew I would love it and wear it to remember you by.  A letter from another friend came in the mail today as well.  She told me how your life and death helped her to let go of past resentments, and deepen her faith.  I am so honored to be your mom Ethan, you continue to shape the lives of others even though you were only here for four days.  The power of a baby, a very special baby, is astounding.

Another person called me today to thank me.  I had no idea what I could have done to deserve thanks from this woman.  You see, she witnessed me hold a baby for the first time yesterday.  She witnessed my slight smile while three tears ran down my face.  The last time I had held a newborn it was you, when I let you go.  Clearly I have been building myself up for this moment, and yesterday seemed like the right time/place/baby.  I was at Church and was having a "good" day, as good as days get nowadays.  The woman who called told me she witnessed my courage yesterday, the courage it took for me to confront my grief.  She had been waiting for four years to move a bag of her father's clothes.  After her father died she couldn't bring herself to do something with those clothes, doing so would have made her father's death "real."  But yesterday, after seeing me hold that baby, she mustered the courage to do something with that bag of clothes.  I am beginning to wonder if God is somehow working through me, as he worked through you during those four days.  Most of me thinks this couldn't be true, surely I am unworthy of that honor.  But slowly, I am beginning to wonder.  

Thanks for visiting me today, it was good to see you.  All my love,



  1. What an amazing post. There is no doubt God is working through you--I'm glad you have the presence of mind to see it, and to share the experience with us.

  2. He will always be sending you signs to let you know he is right here with long as you are open to seeing them. It took me a long time after my dads death to be able to open my eyes to see the signs all around me....