Monday, April 1, 2013


As I sit down to write this post about two of my sons, and about the love and growth they inspire in me, I am grounded.  Jackson, our 3-year-old, is yelling "Fred, Fred, Fred..." over and over and over again.  You see, it's bedtime and he loves our dog and is calling him to his bed.  Quite loudly I add, with his 5-year-old sister and 1-year-old brother in the rooms next door, also trying to fall asleep.  I find it ironic, humorous, and all the hallmark emotions of a mother of a young child.  As I sit to document and share a beautiful story of Jackson I find myself muttering "I'm gonna kill 'em if he wakes his siblings."  Quickly catching myself and saying that's not true.  But perhaps, he might be found on the side of the road with a "free" sign hanging loosely around his neck.  (This is the nature of my mother-son relationship with Jackson.  Full-on everything.  Full-on love as in a post about Jackson's compassion.  Full-on excitement.  Full-on tantrums.  Jackson lives life fully.  And I am blessed to be along for the ride, exhausting as it can be.)

If you've been reading this little blog, my journal actually, you will remember that I wrote about Jackson's intimate relationship with Ethan.  In case you haven't read it, you can do so here.  Jackson is the one in our immediate family who has communications with Ethan.  Reciprocal ones, that is, of a clear nature.

I just have to add that I can still hear Jackson talking upstairs, and am practicing my patience and reminding myself that I promised Ethan his life would make me a better mother.  Hence why I am not yelling for Jackson to go to sleep right now.

Jackson speaks of Ethan often, in normal conversation.  To him, having an angel brother seems to be a normal thing.  Sad, yet beautiful.  And today a funny thing happened.  My friend Dee messaged me (you may want to check out the link above if you don't remember who Dee is in reference to all of this) asking me to ask Jackson about all of the blue Easter eggs.  They had something to do with Ethan I guess, she said.  Dee knew that Jackson and Ethan had communicated about them.  Caroline was at Kindergarten, Ryan had just gone down for nap, and Jackson and I started talking about how fun Easter was.  I asked him what Ethan thought of Easter.

"Ethan had eggs too."

"What color were they?  Because I know you had blue eggs."  Jackson only took the blue eggs, ending with a basket full of them.


Now Jackson quickly segued on his own, with no prompting into the following discussion.

"Ethan visits me when I'm napping."  Said in the cute 3-year-old, slightly high-pitched tone voice of a little boy.  "He comes down from Heaven," (gesturing with his right hand from the sky to his body) "when I am in my room.  Mom, did you know there's a Baby Heaven?  And a doggie Heaven?  And a people Heaven?"

"Really?  That's amazing Jackson."

"Yeah, and Ethan's in the Baby Heaven.  Because he died when he was a baby."

All I can think of is that my 3-year-old's account of where Ethan is mirrors the account that Dee gave me, back when she had met God and Ethan during her brain surgery.  This Baby Heaven, well, Dee said there is just such a thing - and she saw it to the left of God.  My sweet E has been telling Jackson all about Heaven?  I believe it.  I've been around Jackson long enough to know when he is being genuine or not.  Or stretching the truth.  My gut told me this is Jackson's truth.  So our conversation went on.

"Jackson, when Ethan visits you, can you see or hear him?  Or do you just feel him there somehow?"

"I can hear him, and I see his face."  He's giggling here (again reassuring me that this is genuine, he was really reflecting upon his experience with Ethan) as he tries to describe what he looks like.  "He has lots of faces," and Jackson tries to indicate something with his hand around his own face.  It was evident he was struggling to use our language to describe what Ethan looked like to me.  Yet another reason I think he was telling the truth.  If he was simply making this up he probably would have told me about a more traditional human face.  It was time for Jackson's nap so we wrapped it up with perhaps he could draw me a picture of what Ethan looks like sometime.  To which he agreed.

I relayed this conversation back to Dee, who then told me that she had seen this conversation between Jackson and Ethan.  Jackson picked all of the blue eggs, so Ethan could have the green ones.

You just have to listen.  Are your ears open?  Mine are, with a little help from Dee and two of my sons.

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