Tears of Joy

As a mother, all I really want for my children is to be happy.  It's one of the cliches that holds true.

Being a parent you learn to put your own desires aside for the good of your children.  This starts during pregnancy.  If you have a headache you deal without Tylenol.  You ingest foods and drinks that are healthy for your baby, and forgo that feta on your salad or drink at dinner.  Then your baby is born and you quickly learn to eat meals that can be managed with one hand only, as you are most certainly nursing or holding a baby with your other hand.  Lots of sandwiches, whether you like them or not.  Lots of food that has lost the temperature it was originally served at.  These little sacrifices continue.  Purchasing diapers and formula instead of new clothes or even money for a babysitter so you can go to that movie you wanted to see.  And one day you end up realizing that you have been listening to kids' music in the car, or watching Disney Jr., for far too long - questioning the last time you watched the news or listened to music of your choice.  But you do this happily, because you love your children.  Because their happiness and health is your goal.

Today I cried tears of joy.  The first time in my life that I cried, I mean really cried, because I was happy.  My friend Denise wrote to me sharing a recent experience, albeit difficult to explain, that I needed to hear.

Denise is sensitive to spirits, the afterlife, the other side, whatever you want to call it.  This is not something she has openly discussed with me before.  I've known her for 14 years, and only learned of this today.  I hope she doesn't mind me sharing this here (Denise, if you do just let me know & I will remove this post).

Denise said she recently saw the home that God calls his angels to.  She saw "all the beautiful souls that are here for such a short time," and that Ethan was there, in the hands of God!  Cue my crying.  It was the most beautiful place she had ever seen.  That Ethan was there with lots of other angels who were on this Earth for just a short time ... he was there, playing with other babies!  I am convinced some of these babies are the children of my new friends.  I am convinced he was playing with Avery, Christian, Adeline, Jack, Charlotte, Christopher, Lila, Gus, Paul, TaKoda, Delia and more.  Convinced of it.  (I've believed for some time now that Ethan and his heavenly friends have organized these new friendships I have with other parents whose babies have died.)  Denise said that these souls are literally called "God's Angels" and that they "play and love and keep hope alive."  Ethan is "perfect now and laughs and runs and is a pure soul."  And cue my sobbing.

She went on to say that Ethan has an attachment to Jackson.  That Jackson, being so young, thinks it is normal.  At first I thought she meant to Ryan, because of their closeness in age.  But she was sure Ethan was attached in a special way to Jackson.  Then I remembered.  I was holding Ethan for that first and last time, and I asked him to be our angel.  To watch over us.  But especially Jackson, as he is a wild one and can use all of the guidance and protection he can get.  Ethan communicated that he and Jackson talk often, and share stories.  "He wanted me to tell you, when Jack is able to talk, maybe he can share some of the stories they talk about!!!"  Are you kidding me?!  I might be able to know my son through my other children!!!  Tears keep coming.

Denise continued to say that Jack watches over Ryan so closely because "he doesn't want him to go to Heaven and leave him."  Now I am remembering a time Jackson rushed over to Ryan and said he couldn't go near a staircase because he didn't want him to fall down and die like Ethan.  These things happen occasionally for poor Jackson.  Lastly Denise shared that "Ethan wanted you to know that - he or God won't be taking anymore babies!!!"  I have been fearful that something terrible would happen to our living children - but Ethan is reassuring me that it won't.

Ethan went on to communicate to Denise that he wants Josh & I to be happy.  That he hears my every word.  He hears me pray.  Hears me cry for him.  Hears me talk to him.  Hears me mother him.

Ethan hears my thoughts and prayers.  And he responded, through Denise.  And perhaps one day through Jackson, or Caroline, or Ryan.  My sadness that our older children never met Ethan does not need to be sharp, as they have a relationship with him still.

So yes, I cried tears of joy today.  Joy that my son is healthy now, happy and enjoying himself in a way that he wouldn't have if he had somehow survived that catastrophic brain bleed.  Joy that Ethan has friends to play with.  Joy that our relationship with him is as real as ever, just not as tangible as traditional mother-son relationships.  Joy that I will one day see my son again.  Rejoice for that.