Thursday, April 11, 2013

I am starting to get angry again.

Let me tell you who I am.  And who I am not right now.

I am not the minister's wife who should know everything without being told.

I am not the best friend for people who gives selflessly.

I am not that nice neighbor who is going to smile when you say I have three children, instead of the four I have already told you I have.

For the month of May I am the woman who held her son, sang "You Are My Sunshine"  to him, and directed that the breathing tube be taken out of his mouth.

The month of May is my month.  My month to reflect and remember my time with my son.  And I am protective of that.

Let me be selfish in May.

I may or may not be showing up to church in May - and I am OK with that.

May is my time.  Our time.  Please respect that.  Please stop putting outside expectations on me for May.  They just aren't my priority next month.

Please be extra kind to me next month.  Don't avoid me, just be nice to me.  Remember what May is for me, and for my family.

Perhaps May won't always be this way, but for now it is.  For this first May it is.  Truthfully, I don't really care if people like it - it's not about them.  It's about my mother-son relationship for me.  And that is something I will protect loud and proud.  Perhaps this is a heads up to tread carefully from now until June.  Mama bear is out.

May holds 14 days of anniversaries of medical related interventions to save my life and Ethan's life.  Holds Josh's birthday - the day we were all sick with that Norovirus that happened 12 hours prior to my water breaking.  Holds Mother's Day.  Holds Ethan's birthday as well as the anniversary of his death.  Holds much of my joy, and all of my pain.  So May is already topped off with emotion.

Lately I've found myself giving selflessly to others - and feeling honored to do so.  At the same time, I am beginning to feel maxed out.  So May is my time for self-care.  Please respect that.  Perhaps refrain from asking me to do extraordinary things for others, and ask if there is anything you could do for me.  Or for my family.

I've just reread this post - I told  you that I am feeling angry again.  But I feel better after writing it down.


  1. Be kind to yourself this month! Don't let anyone tell you how you should "be"


    1. thank you nancy. it feels validating to have permission to do just that from you, as you have walked this road for yourself. lots of love to you.

  2. Such an honest post. It's good to put it out there like that, and to honor the month of May as yours, as Ethan's.