This is my 16th "good" day in a row. That's right, 16!!!
I am nervous to describe my days as good publicly, for fear that people will think that I am "over it," done grieving, purely happy, etc. I really only describe my day as "good" around select company - close friends/family, or more often, around other parents whose babies have died too. I don't hesitate to describe a decent day as "good" to them because they get it. They know that it means "less shitty." Or even lately, that I may genuinely experience joy, pleasure, and laughter while simultaneously being devastated.
So this post is with a leap of faith. Faith that those who read this will take the time to appreciate the paragraph above. That I am still a mess, and am allowed to be.
When Ethan died I knew that I would find a way, somehow, to be happy again. I knew that I would fight for that, for myself and my family. But those first few weeks were so terrible that I had no idea when a good day would ever come. And then one came, I think the first really "good" day was probably in mid July somewhere. But then it disappeared into grief-stricken days. I would have glimmers of healing, of joy - perhaps lasting an hour of so. And I was thankful for those moments.
But now, over 5 months out, I can tell you that I have had 16 good days in a row. Hallelujah. Amen. Thank you Lord Jesus - truly.
October 19th was my most recent shitty day. It was when Ethan should have turned 5 months old. I posted about it earlier. Didn't help that I had forgotten to take my anti-depressant that morning either. But by the grace of God I got through it and the next morning was better.
And they have continued to be good days since. Of course I still miss Ethan desperately, crying every so often. But they are the gentle tears of longing, not the breathless sobbing. I continue to think of Ethan every hour of every day, but sometimes with a smile instead of a tear.
Part of me is waiting for the bad day to knock me on my ass. But most of me is just thankful for every breath that doesn't hurt. For every smile that is genuine. For the healing, slow as it may be.
I am not OK yet, but I am well on my way.
I started to tell you today. I feel the healing in every writing that you do. Sometimes it's through anger and that's ok. And yes that "knock you on your ass" day will com but you are finding strength through Ethan's Love. It will have to work a little harder to knock you down next time. Love you girl!
ReplyDeleteHey Annie,
ReplyDeleteI just got to look at your blog... It is beautiful. My heart breaks for you and the family. I know there are no words to make you magically feel better. I can tell you that my friends who lost their baby boy... Feel better when they talk about him. So I think is awesome that you have this. Please know you are in my prayers and if you ever need to escape, know that you have a place to stay down in Florida. There is a video called 99 Balloons- tribute to Elliot...you might like it. It is about a couple who celebrated their son's life even though it was short. You can find it on YouTube. Love you and miss you- Megan
The knock you on ur ass shitty days never stop coning....they just get fewer and farther apart. I'm so happy to know that u have begun to have even a few "good" days. You are so strong and amazing and inspiring. I can't help but cry every time I read your blog because I remember so vividly the indescribable pain that grief brings....and I wish you didn't have to experience it. No one shud have to. I appreciate that u have the courage and strength to write this ... more than u could know. Love you
ReplyDelete