Friday, October 19, 2012

No 5 month sticker here.

You've probably seen those silly month-to-month stickers parents put on their baby's onesie.  You know, the ones used for the watch-me-grow pictures?  They're all over Facebook.

There's no 5 month sticker here.  Not in our home.  Today Ethan should be 5 months old, yet instead he is 4 days shy of being gone for 5 months.  Those silly stickers weren't around when we had our older 3 kids.  To be honest, I don't even really care for them.  Who knows if I would have bought them for Ethan.  But now I desperately wish I had the chance to.  But that's not going to happen.

I didn't realize today was the 19th until work ended.  I hadn't felt quite right physically all day, a bit strange really.  Turns out I forgot to take my little 10mg Lexapro this morning.  Part of me is disappointed that my body is accustomed to the medication -- though I know I really benefit from it right now.  At 8:00 AM a patient told me "you look skinnier!  How did it all go?"  I had to tell this lovely woman that "it didn't go well.  My son died."  And this to a lovely woman who is sitting in a chair to get chemo for incurable cancer.  And my poor friend Heather, the nurse sitting there administering a med to this patient.  Lovely Heather, so gentle and honest in her presence.  Allowing this woman and I to exchange this terribly sad news in front of her.  I'm sure it's not how Heather would have opted to start her day off either.

And then the kind remarks came my way.  And the conversation ended with a version of "things happen for a reason."  Perhaps that offers her some solace, in her difficult situation.  But I just need to say again, I don't see any "reason" that babies die.  I just don't.  And if there is a reason, how come my baby died?  When most do not?

So today was hard, a lot of tears and even some yelling in the car.  Don't worry, my kids weren't with me.  It's only the second time I have done that - but it felt good to let it out.  I know God can take it.  He doesn't scare off easily.  So today was shitty, but the last two days were pretty good.

Tonight I was talking with my sister on the phone.  Rather, I was swearing, crying and venting while she listened patiently.  I told her I am done.  5 months is long enough, I've paid my dues.  It's time to give me my son back now, please.

I just want him back.  The other day I was thinking about that question asked in stupid getting-to-know-you games.  The "who would like to meet, or spend a day with" question.  That answer if easy.  My son, Ethan.

Missing you terribly my boy.  Thanks for the two better days in a row, here's to hoping tomorrow will be better than today.

1 comment:

  1. I think I hate the "things happen for a reason" line the most! No - babies aren't born 12 weeks early then die for ANY REASON! Life just SUCKS sometimes, and there is no reason for that! (after I had a miscarriage, I couldn't understand how woman who take crack while pregnant have babies and me who went OFF my medication lost my baby - no, no REASON for the bad things that happen!)

    Yes, God can take our anger and yelling. But he is going to have a hell of a lot of explaining to do when I get to Heaven!!

    hugs to you.

    one day - one hour - one moment at a time!