Time has become strange. The definition of bittersweet.
The bitter - With every day I am further away from Ethan in my arms. Further away from the 4 days of memories I had with him.
The sweet - With every day I am closer to reuniting with Ethan, in Heaven.
Time used to be neutral, at least for me. I've never been one for caring about getting older, never caring about the first gray hairs. But now, now time is different somehow.
My arms long to hold Ethan and it seems as if I have lived a lifetime in these past 6 months. Yet my arms will always remember the position they were in, cradling my baby boy. My eyes will always (I pray) remember looking down into his eyes.
"Time heals." No...not for me, not yet. But it does help. It makes it different somehow, less raw.
That first week after Ethan's death I remember thinking 3 months until my due date was an eternity. People told me that this first year was going to be the hardest - part of me wanted to fast forward through it. Part of me wanted to freeze time altogether.
How has it only been 6 months since Ethan died? How has it already been 6 months? I don't know much any more. Time confuses me.
It has over 19 months since we said goodbye to Alexander. Some days are easier than others. Some days I wonder how I am even getting out of bed and facing the world. Sometimes it feels like he died yesterday, other times it feels like it was a lifetime ago that I had this beautiful little boy.
ReplyDeleteEach day is different. Take it one day at a time. Remember to BREATH and always be kind to yourself.
Nancy