Thankful

I'm taking a moment to think back upon this year.  It has been unbelievably hard, the worst year of my life in most respects.  Yet simultaneously filled with a unique blessing.  I am sure tomorrow, Thanksgiving, will bring moments of longing for me - certainly.  But this post is me making a choice.  A choice to appreciate the blessing that Ethan was and is in my life.

The pain that comes with Ethan's death is indescribable...though I have tried here in this journal.  You have witnessed my pain, my sorrow, my longing.  But tonight as I write this I would not trade Ethan coming into my life to avoid this grief.

I am thankful that I have four children.  I am thankful that I have a beautiful daughter and three fabulous boys.

I am thankful that Ethan has deepened my faith in Christ.  Thankful that Ethan has nurtured our mother-son relationship as he visits me as a butterfly or sends me a rainbow.  Thankful that God somehow saw me fit to be the mother of such a special child.  A child who in 4 short days has changed the world for the better, in more ways than I know.

I am thankful that God gave me 28 weeks to get to know Ethan, from the inside out...and for the 4 days he fought to stay with us.

I am thankful that Ethan visits his older siblings, particularly Jackson.  Thankful that they will know Ethan, will nurture a sibling relationship with them still.  Thankful that Ethan watches over all of us, especially Jackson - just like I asked him too.  Thankful that one of my surviving children still talks with Ethan...how amazing is that?!

I am thankful that God chose me as the recipient of his special message, sent through my friend Denise.  So few people get that gift, such a direct, clear message from God & their loved ones already in Heaven...yet he chose me to be one of them!  That is not lost on me, I assure you.

I am thankful that Ethan is alive and happy in Heaven.  That God/Jesus are watching over him, keeping him close until I can meet him in Heaven one day.  Am thankful that God hears me, that Ethan hears me.  That they answer me, sometimes in a direct way & others indirectly.

I am thankful that Ethan has friends in Heaven, that he has found those babies who have left their families so soon as well.  Thankful that he and his heavenly friends have orchestrated new friendships with me.  Thankful that I now love Liz, Nikki, Gabe, Samantha, Kelley, Danielle, Andrea, and others.

Thankful that others have somehow been inspired by Ethan's love.

Ethan is a blessing.  The road to growth is not without pain, that is sure.  Tonight I am thankful that God chose Josh & I to be Ethan's parents.  A choice made by God, Denise shared.  A choice made because God believes our faith is strong enough, our marriage is strong enough to withstand the grief. A challenging road that leads to love...Ethan's love...God's love.

My favorite quote - "There is nothing you can do to make God love you more.  Nothing you can do to make God love you less.  For God is love.  And you, are God's beloved."  Amen.

Thank you Ethan.  Thank you Lord, for choosing me to be Ethan's mother.