A Big Change

Today I resigned.  This post is public, so I am choosing not to go into much detail for the reasons behind my resignation.  The long and short of it is my happiness at work came crumbling down over this past week...where I had been for 3 1/2 years.  So I chose my happiness, my health, my family today.  I will not be returning to that position any longer.

Part of me feels free.  Challenges come with any position, so I am now free of those.  I am certainly feeling less anxious tonight - so that is worthwhile.

Today I became a stay-at-home mom, something I have always wanted to be.  So why aren't I happier?...Because I don't have my fourth to care for at home.  I'm not saying 3 little kids is easy, but I have adjusted to mothering them, caring for the house and working part-time.  Now that I will experience this shift in my day-to-day, I am looking around for my 5-month-old baby to care for.  But he's not here.

The holidays are here, and they're hitting me.  I'm told that the first year is about breathing & just getting through...in whatever healthy way I can.  So I choose to mother Ethan during these holidays.  I will buy him a Christmas present, and will donate it to a needy family in his name.  I will make him a Christmas ornament.  I will post pictures of him on Facebook remembering my son - asking others join me in that.  I need people to remember Ethan during these holidays.  I need to keep breathing.  I can already anticipate the sadness, the jealousy, that I will feel when I see pictures of others' babies' first Thanksgiving, first Christmas.  It's not fair.  I want him back.  This is painful.