Saturday, June 29, 2013

The light returned last night

Last night was the first time since May 8, 2012 that I have been genuinely happy...without the depression lurking behind my shoulder.  Seriously, that's a long time not to have felt pure happiness.  A long ass time.

It's a little early for me to be assured that my major depression is gone, but signs are looking good thus far.  I finished weaning myself off of my anti-depressant a week ago too.  And besides feeling dizzy and countless incidents of having "brain zaps" or something bizarre and uncomfortable this week, I am feeling OK on that account.  And last night, I felt good.  Like the real smiles, leave the stress behind for the night kind of thing.

My friend Potts and I have known each other since Kindergarten.  We've done the sleepover thing a million times, peewee soccer thing, and on for the last 27 years.  And last night, she married a wonderful man on the coast of Maine.  My husband performed their ceremony, I was honored to read in the ceremony as well, my best friends were celebrating with us for the night (all away from our kids I might add - that's never happened in 6 years), and it was a high school reunion with the greatest group of friends ever, only made better by several significant others joining in on the fun.

Somewhere around the toasts I realized I was actually happy.  The pure kind of happy.  Sure, sad that my son died...but not in the forefront of my day kind of sad.  I remembered him all evening long, as several friends have had or are expecting babies - and I was only a little bit jealous this time.  That's saying something too.

Last night affirmed that Ethan is not forgotten.  Not by me or my family.  Not by my high school and college friends who I only occasionally see these days.  And not by many acquaintances.  Last night, I put my biggest fear away.  For the world has not forgotten Ethan.

Last night also offered me another blessing.  To see the tears of joy, the tighter hugs than usual, the sweet conversations of mildly intoxicated friends, that caught me off guard.  It's not just Ethan that they love.  It's Josh and me as well.  And for that, I am very humbled.

So thank you Potts for last night.  For giving me the mirror to see that the light has returned to my eyes.  One of the best gifts anyone could have given me.  And one I will hold onto for a long time.

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