I fear May. I fear that I will forever be jealous of people who birth healthy baby boys in May. Fear that I will be too sad on May 19th to celebrate my son's first birthday. Fear that if I plan that informal cookout on that day, as I had planned, with close family/friends that I will wake up that morning and want to cancel it. Or that I will want to run away into the woods instead of sing him happy birthday. Well, I am pretty sure I will sing him happy birthday - I just might sob through it.
I fear my husband's birthday, May 9th, will always be tainted. That was the day Josh & the kids became sick with a terrible virus, that I then caught on the morning of May 10th - and 12 hours later my water broke. I want to celebrate Josh's birthday - though know it will, for now at least, trigger thoughts of the tragedy that followed. (This post is already disjointed so here's another thought - my good friend, via email, delivered her only child, sweet Jack, stillborn on her own birthday last May. Sweet, beautiful, full-term Jack. How about that for shitty? That for being inescapable? Another reason I fear May - for her and my 3 other friends' whose babies died last May. Babies just shouldn't die. Life becomes impossible when they do.)
I fear Mother's Day. In and of itself that is a trigger for my grief, right? Well, let's just add that it occurs in May - and last Mother's Day I gloriously (I am not being facetious) spent it on my left side bedridden in the hospital - 7 days before Ethan was born.
I fear May 23rd, 5:55pm - Time of Death. Will I stare at the clock that day? Likely. Do I fear it? Partly. Partly not. And both of those thoughts scare me. It's impossible - this grieving business. A full time job - whose tiring waves lap away at me.
I fear May 24th, 2013. Being more than a year away from Ethan's life. What's that going to be like? More of the same, probably. Shitty days/hours/moments. Some good times thrown in too, with lots (hopefully) of decent days as well.
When I began this post I titled it "Already?" in reference to May approaching. It morphed into what looms ahead for me with May. So I changed the title. I fear a lot. Though not really. For I know, I know, Ethan and Jesus walk with me.