Saturday, January 12, 2013

Taking the Bullet

I wrote this post in my journal yesterday...  I was honored & blessed to have a beautiful visit with them today, so I will post about that experience for me later tonight or tomorrow.  But this is where my head was at last night.

I know this isn't rational (not much about my grief is) and it isn't the way things work, but I have been hoping that I took the bullet for my friends and family.  Took the bullet for this babyloss stuff.  What I mean to say is that I don't think anyone else who is grieving the death of Ethan should have to face the same trauma of losing one of their own babies.  I don't think they should even have to face the potential of that.  Or the trauma of an extended NICU stay.

Today my best friend delivered her twins, unexpectedly, at just 27 weeks.  Their sweet girl Katherine weighs less than 1 pound and their sweet boy Luke almost 2 pounds.  I don't have many details at this point - but do know they are in the best of hands medically in the Children's NICU (the same doctors cared for Ethan as well).

So here I am, praying endlessly that these sweet babies will get the miracles that Ethan did not.  Praying that i will not be overly jealous of their happy endings.  Praying for Ethan to be with them in their incubators (he's really there by the way), offering them strength, company and love.  Praying that my best friends find the strength to hope and the endurance to continue on as their babies do the same.  Praying that the harsh reality of Ethan's death does not weigh too heavily on their minds as they fight to remain positive for their own babies futures.

Clearly this is triggering for me.  Someone with PTSD whose baby died in the NICU just 7 months ago.  Enough is enough, right?  It's time for things to get smoother now.  I cried the day I heard my best friend tell me she was pregnant.  Cried tears of joy, thankfulness and relief.  Today I congratulate them on their beautiful family.  Please join me in praying that they get to go home, healthy and together as a complete family one day soon.

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