Thursday, December 27, 2012

Ethan's Year

2012 is Ethan's year.  The year I knew my son, from the inside and out.  There were a couple of weeks in 2011 where I was pregnant with Ethan too, but mostly it was all in 2012.

New Year's used to be a nice excuse for a party with friends and family, but truthfully I've never really cared a lot about the holiday.  Not one for resolutions or being sentimental about years closing out.  This New Year's is different.

2012 has been the hardest, most painful, I'll dare to say the worst year of my life so far.  I can hope forever, or at least for a long time.  Clearly with Ethan's death, grieving, the depression and ptsd that has followed, a difficult work scenario and stressful finances on top.  For those reasons I am ready to say goodbye to 2012.

Yet my heart longs to stay in 2012.  In the same calendar year I held my son.  In the same year all of the pictures we will ever have of Ethan are from.  I cannot look forward to 2013 with hopes of true family pictures to come.  Hopes of cuddling with him one more time.

2013 holds hope for ongoing healing for me and my family.  Yet it holds further distance from the brief moments I touched Ethan.  Most of you probably can't understand this part.  Yet my heart knows differently.  So this New Year's Eve will be another one of those bittersweet moments.

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