Happy birthday sweet boy.

Happy birthday sweet boy.  Happy birthday to you.

Celebrate in heaven with your friends for me.  Charlotte, Avery, Jack, Lila, Emily, Addy, Takoda, Delia, Paul, Albert, Gus, Alexander, Michael, Christopher, Mira, AdiaRose, Pili and so many more.  So many friends you must have up there.

But spend most of the day with us too, somehow.  Please...

Your cupcakes are baked.  Waiting to be frosted and sprinkled by your siblings tomorrow at some point.  Caroline and Jackson thought you would like vanilla with vanilla frosting - coincidentally the cupcakes that they love.  Jackson asked if you were going to come down from heaven tomorrow to eat yours.  Caroline told him no, that we would eat it for you.  But do come down.  Hear us sing to you.  Please do.

As a mom, celebrating your first birthday without you here in person shreds my heart.  But I am learning to stand again.  With a shredded heart.  And to start living again.  That's what this first year was about.  Surviving.

Thank you for teaching me what love is.  What strength is.  What humanity is.  You taught me these lessons in 4 short and long days a year ago.

So today is your birthday.  One year ago today I was blessed to have survived a very complicated c-section.  Apparently a 50-50 chance.  So today I thank God for the blessing of my life.  And I thank God for blessing me to be your mother.  So your birth story is fraught with trauma, lots of it.  Ending with the biggest trauma of all.  But your soul emanates love, and for that reason your death shall never overshadow your life.

Happy birthday sweet Ethan.  Love you,

        Mama.