I Came Back.

I came back.  Back to the place you were born.  Back to the place you died.  Here I am, making a new memory as the most recent time I have been to The Brigham and Women's Hospital.

I love this place, far more than it makes me sad.  People walk by me and I see the brilliance, the miracles and the love.  The brilliance of those wearing scrubs.  The miracles of the cancer survivor walking through the lobby with their mask on.  The love of the husband pushing his wife in the wheelchair.  This is a special place.  I birthed four babies here.  I will always love this place, it feels sacred to me.

I can do this.  I am doing this.  A nice woman, a stranger, sat next to me and asked if I was OK.  She saw my soft tears that I thought I was successfully hiding.  Thank you God for showing me your love today.  I feel it.

In a month I am returning here to the NICU, for a remembrance service.  Josh and the kids will come too.  This is the first time I have returned here since Ethan died.  I came into The Brigham today so I could have whatever time I may need to myself, without having to attend to the kids' needs.  This was the right decision.

I saw Dr. Mansour this morning.  The biggest hugs and kisses from him and Annmarie.  He asked how I am doing, how Josh and the kids are.  He told me that my water breaking prematurely was not caused by having pregnancies so close together.  He clarified the research for me...and I feel a lot better.

I have strength that I didn't know was inside of me.  I am looking at the exit I left in a wheelchair four months ago.  The one I went through without a baby.  I am prepared to walk through those doors on my own terms this time.  Here we go...