A beautiful father.

What a beautiful father my husband is.

I have fallen in love with Josh five times in our fifteen years together.  Perhaps I will detail that love story in a future post.  But what you should know for this journal entry is that I have fallen in love with Josh when I am witness to the father in him.

Sunday I held a baby for the first time since Ethan had died.  And today, I saw Josh hold a baby for the first time as well.  Our dear friends are staying with us for a couple of days and they have two amazing children.  This morning I saw Josh hold baby Luke.  I heard the slight rise in octave and soft tone of voice he used to make Luke comfortable and smile.  It brought me right back to the first moment Josh held Caroline.  He used that same voice, to introduce himself to her, and to tell me that she was very "easy to soothe."  I'll never forget him telling me that, in those first moments.

This was the first time I witnessed Josh holding a baby since our's was ripped away from us.  As usual, it was a beautiful sight.  He should have held Ethan countless times by now, speaking to him in that soft tone of voice.  Nothing can be said or done to make this pain easier or softer for me, or for Josh.  I just keep reassuring myself that Ethan is being held and cared for by Jesus.  I miss my son immensely, so much so that I had to take a break from my kids, go into the backyard and cry for a good ten minutes today.  I am saddened for Josh that he doesn't get the time with Ethan that he has had with our older three children.  The lost chance of witnessing Josh father Ethan, yet another layer of grief.